One Cooky Adventure
by pride1289
Summary: Grievous and Bane go on an adventure. This fic is totally inspired by that pic where Grievous and Bane both wear cowboy hats.
1. WARNINGS

**WARNINGS!**

**Because this is TOTALLY necessary!**

**This is going to be racist**

**This is going to be OOC**

**THIS FIC IS TTLY STUPID IN THAT WAY THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH. I guess.**

**?**

**PROFIT**

**Don't say you didn't see this stuff coming.**


	2. Chapter 1

"Good evening, General."

Grievous turned around in his chair. The small hologram of Dooku stood on his computer desk.

"Count Dooku."

"I have news for you of a new assignment."

Grievous nods.

"You are to go to Tatooine. There you will meet a bounty hunter named Cad Bane. Your mission is to assist him after understanding his job."

"A bounty hunter?" Grievous didn't seem to like the idea. His voice betrayed him and sounded definitely like he didn't want to go for it would be a waste of his talents.

"Will it be a problem?" Dooku sounded only all too sure of himself that Grievous would take the bait.

Grievous did.

He glared down at the hologram. "Of course not, Count."

"Good. The coordinates for your meeting have been sent. Good bye General."

Grievous yowled and smashed his hands onto his chair.

"Doctor!"

A tall robot came waddling into the room. "Yes sir?" It sounded annoyed.

Grievous glared at it, ready to unleash a round of pain on whatever pissed him off first. "You are coming with me."

"Why ever would you bring me along?"

Grievous didn't answer but he still clung to the tall droid at the head, dragging it along with him to his star cruiser.

Elsewhere at this time, the bounty hunter that Grievous was to meet is making his way to Tatooine when he'd been spotted by a couple of passing Jedi. How they figured out it was him he had no clue, but he had to get away and fast. Those Jedi were known to win against unfathomable odds. Unfathomable odds which were completely stacked in his favor.

On that track, the thought that Jedi would be extremely good at the lottery came to mind. But there was no time to dilly-dally wondering what Jedi would do with a lottery, for he was busy. In a mini space battle!

Now, while Bane was dodling his time away in space, Grievous had already made his way to an outskirt beyond a small town that you readers would know of as the town that Luke had gone into in the fourth movie. Also would see where this is about to go.

Grievous had been waiting at the meeting spot for some time now. It really isn't very easy for him to sit still. So he had taken to pacing outside his star cruiser. This seemed to bother the repair robot a lot. Such pacing does seem to bother most people. But when Grievous had turned to it and almost picked it up and thrown it against the ship, the doctor didn't get the hint to shut up.

While Grievous and the doctor were having issues with their relationship, Cad Bane had been having one hell of a time trying to lose the Jedi.

They just never did give up. Even at such trivial things like him, a bounty hunter. So what if he had successfully stolen a holocron and put the lives of baby Jedi at risk? That was weeks ago and he would have expected people like the Jedi to have forgotten all about that! Probably even moved onto something completely unrelated and not even close to being as beast as he was.

Dodging another group of shots from the Jedi, Bane decided to hide behind a random asteroid. This seemed to throw off one Jedi, but the other Jedi was behind the rock with him and they both did nothing for almost 2 whole seconds that felt a bit like 3 or 4. Until Bane shot at the cruiser. He immediately blasted upward as his enemy exploded.

Of course this caught the attention of the Jedi that had bypassed him but Bane made quick work of him as well. By easily coming back down and shooting at the behind of the Jedi's ship, at the engines those also exploded and Bane smirked at how kick ass he is.

Back on Tatooine Grievous was having trouble calming him. He had paced the doctor out of its wits.

Until it just couldn't take anymore of Grievous' bad attitude and had suggested going into the town.

What for, he didn't get to finish his sentence before Grievous growled and pushed him aside.

"So are you going into town then?"

Once more, there was no answer besides a threatening stance and a grumble from the extremely irritated droid commander General (A MODERN Major General! XD).

EV-A4D was, of course, important to Grievous. The small but tall repair droid took so much advantage of that. He even rolled his lenses and head at the back of Grievous! Talking like that to his face and even behind his back. That droid sure is positive he won't be destroyed.

Now that Bane had gotten rid of those pesky nonmain-character Jedi's he could go to the meeting place on Tatooine and meet up with this General Grievous guy.

With his scanner scouting the co-ordinates to his location, TODO was just standing behind Banes chair questioning why he had to come along with Bane on this adventure. He was simply a techno service droid.

What could he possibly do to help here on a planet like Tatooine? What? WHAT!

"Shut it TODO."

TODO shut it.

Finally Bane makes it to where Grievous' star cruiser is. He lowers his and he can see a robot by the ship.

"Who are you?" Bane demands the small droid. When Bane demands something he gets it.

EV-A4D looked up at Bane and saw the blaster that was pointed right at him.

"I hope you are not intending to shoot me. The General would be very displeased should he have to replace me."

Bane glared at this EV-A4D. But he put away his blaster of win and said aloud in his awesome voice that makes me squeal with delight because it is so cowboyish, "So the chicken ain't even in the coop, aie?"

The Doctor looked back up at Bane and uses that tone of voice like he did when he told Grievous that he actually did have other things to do, "He went into town. He was getting so riled up with his pacing. He probably would have torn me into pieces if he had to wait here any longer."

Bane glanced down at The Doctor and then at TODO. Man, those two robots would just have the best time complaining about the people they serve.

So Bane rolled his eyes and told the two droids to stay put. He was going to go find this General and then be on his way with this mission. That would bring him just so much closer to his pay. This was high enough for him to try take on the Jedi once more. But, that was NOT what he was here for.

General Grievous is not a people person. As anyone could have guessed. So when said General of mean nastiness had come hunched over and walking right into a bar where the bar tender doesn't allow droids, well this is obvious (ESPECIALLY if you've ever seen that one comic on dA).

"Hey! No droids allowed!"

Grievous' eye twitches from anger/rage. But he just stands there in front of the door blocking other people's way into the bar.

"Hey! I SAID-"

"I"

The bar tender says nothing.

"Am Not..."

Everyone is looking at him now. Probably getting those 'oh crap' vibes.

"A DROOOIIIID! DDDDD8" Grievous roars with that synthesized deep voice of his as he brings out two light sabers.

Everyone in the bar has shat themselves by now but they won't get the chance to even comprehend such disgusting thoughts. For Grievous swings his sabers backwards, attacking the people behind him. Dragging them out of those back people to his sides. He steps forward roughly, splintering the hard floor with his sexy awesome bird feet.

The bar tender tries to take his words back as he is seeing Grievous come at him with TWO light sabers, but he is frozen still by the awesomeness that is Grievous in anger.

When Bane had finally made it to the town people were running down the street and up the street. Now this didn't seem too alarming to Bane, but when everyone was crowded by a small arch type door, THAT'S when he got suspicious and also a bit embarrassed.

Inside the building every person was killed. Grievous sat on a bar stool and his eyes were clenched so close he may as well have been closing them, he was so pissed!

"What in Tarnation..." Bane was SHOCKED! There was no blood, but there were body part everywhere in the bar. Some were even hanging from the light fixtures.

Grievous turned around in his swivel bar seat. His eyes held a great fire that made Bane want to stab himself in the face just so he wouldn't have to be looked at like that anymore.

"Howdy" Bane lifted his hand up in a lazy hello.

Grievous didn't know how to reply to such a strange accented blue person in a cowboy hat. A really big, cowboy hat.

"Who *cough*cough* are you?" Grievous wheezed and his shoulders shook with his hacking.

"The names Bane, son." Bane traced the edge of his hat as he looked down.

Grievous looked perplexed. What did he mean by 'son'? This was the man he was supposed to be waiting for, yes, but this trip was going to get annoying and fast, Grievous just knew it.

Bane and Grievous left the establishment of booze and music-it possibly had some chicks to pick up, but that is not something to think about-and went on their way back to where ever they had landed. Unfortunately, there must be more conflicts in this chapter. Since Grievous was still drunk off his own anger and Bane was annoying the hell out of him with his cowboy accent, both Grievous and Bane somehow managed to get lost.

"Aye, son, we might be lost."

"You think!"

"Don't be yelling at me sunny! You didn't do nothin' to direct in the 'right' direction!"

"Bah*grumble*cough*! I do not ne*cough*ed to put up with such annoyances." Grievous started to walk faster.

Bane glared and pouted. But he walked faster also, striking his finger across his hat as he took a step.

"Ya think yuh can lead us out of bein' lost be going the same d'rection I was?"

Grievous spun around quickly, his cape flared, and he glared at him fiercely.

Normally Grievous would have looked extremely intimidating and angry, ready to kill whatever moved next. Even a leaf falling from a tree. But Bane is bad ass in his cowboy epicness, so he just stretched his head back a bit and looked smugly at Grievous face, which was very close to his, practically breathing on him.

Which is why it was kind of disgusting when Grievous started coughing in his face.

Bane turned his head in disgust. He was ready to unleash some smack talk at sir coughs a lot, but Grievous had turned around, coughing up a storm.

Bane didn't know what to really do, so he did what most people do in such situations. Smack the person on their back.

Unfortunately he did this as most people do and that means he came to the rescue a few seconds late and all he did was smack an already angry droid general on the back. This is never a good thing. Ever.

Mister cranky droid general 'graaaaaahed' in extreme rage. He whipped out a light saber and it went right halfway into Banes forearm.

"Aaah!" Bane howled, wrenching his arm away and bringing his other hand onto the now sabered wound. "The fucking hell!

What the fuck man! D :"

Grievous was still bent about the smacking of his back so he did not care much for his new partners pain. In fact, he would have laughed in Banes face for the pain he now suffered, but he was still mad.

"Don't. Touch. Me! }B"

Bane was still clutching his arm. TODO wouldn't fix this, the lazy stupid service bot that he is. Maybe this freaks bot could though? He'd think about it later.

"Sunny you're gunna be in a world of hurtin'" Bane cracked his knuckles.

"I AM NOT YOUR OFFSPRING!"

'Slap!' and Bane was spinning in the air! He landed face first in the dirt.

Grievous breathed heavily and was planning on grabbing and beating Bane to a pulp. But he is forgiving. So he let it slide.

Bane got up off the ground and spit out some blood. "Shit kid, you've got a stronger slap than a bucker."

Already pissed from being called 'sunny', he was in no mood for this 'Bane's' words.

"Do NOT refer to me as such in ANY manner!"

Bane glared back at Grievous and he was preparing a great reply in his cowboy speech, but he saw something out in the distance. His distracted eye sight caught Grievous angry attention, so he looked behind himself also.

And what do you know! There really was something coming out from the horizon. Unfortunately Bane also saw an opening and took his chance at swinging his foot at Grievous' awesome bird feet of win. Also unfortunately, for Bane anyways, Grievous' feet are too epic to be easy to kick him off his balance. He can hold a three light sabers! Not even including his extra arms man!

Grievous growled as he snapped his attention back at Bane. He grabbed his neck and lifted him up.

"You are getting on my last nerve, strangely accented scum! You have been warned I shall not be willing to hold back if you continue with this kind of behavior 8{="

A semi-awkward silence passed between them. All the while that shape on the horizon was getting closer. Closer; closer; closer; and closer!

Bane looked was looking around Grievous, but then the droid general moved. The shape had gotten so close now that Bane could tell who it was, though, so Grievous' blockage did not matter any longer.


	3. Chapter 2

THE UNIMPORTANT JEDI FROM SPACE! As in, the space battle from earlier.

As Bane was reaching for his blaster, Grievous' Jedi senses were tingling. He turned around, and there one was. In its flowy brown robey (Whose line ref.) and possibly dying from heat stroke, but that didn't make any difference to Grievous! He was about to totally unleash his bad ass-ness all over this Jedi filth, but Bane put his arm out. How this stopped him though is questionable.

"Sorry bucker, but I'm goin' in first."

Grievous said nothing.

But Bane smirked like there was a two way conversation going on and he tipped his hat up with two fingers and said, "This ain't my first rodeo."

Bane pulls out his blaster and he is going to totally head shot this sucker. He aims. The person looks up at them, confused and sickly. PEW! The stranger goes down. Bane strikes his hat and twirls his blaster back into its holster.

"And pop, goes the weasel."

Grievous coughs angrily, he was trying to act smug and not believing in Banes total bad ass-ness. As he goes to see what the Jedi had in their pockets he says, under his breath of course, "*small cough* let's see him try that on a main character ("

As he is reaching into the persons pocket, A BIG RUPTER OF SAND GOES OFF RIGHT NEXT TO BANE! Causing Bane to freak out and jump, landing on his ass, staring up at the geyser of sand.

Both were looking at the said sand geyser. It looked very weird and also very fast. They could ever hear the sand moving against gravity. But then it stopped.

And there stood a black chick in a white Jedi outfit! Her arms behind her and an angry scrunched up face looking at the space between Bane and Grievous.

A bit anti-climactic; she spoke after a moment's silence.

"O-NO-U-DI-N'T!" Wagging her finger and shaking her hips. Bottom lip in a side pout.

Neither Grievous nor Bane understood what she had said. But she looked strange and this was getting nowhere and neither would stand for it!

Grievous pulled out a light saber and Bane whipped out a blaster. They took aim. Dramatic pause. Grievous and Bane looked at each other. Then! Grievous lunged forward and bane shot his blaster! Which hit Grievous in the elbow and he dropped his saber! Making it fall on the black chick Jedi persons foot and she yowled in a stereotypical black chick way.

"Yoooooooowll! Daaaaay-am! XO Whu-chu go and do that for bitch?" The black chick possibly Jedi pushed Grievous in that old fashioned way of starting a fight.

Grievous stepped back a bit at the touch. He growled at the black chick. "Do NOT. Touch me! 8{="

But the black-Jedi?-chick did not let up under the awesome might of Grievous' death stare. Grievous would have NONE of this! It was demeaning so he pulled out another light saber and stabbed her in the stomach. He pulled it up and out making it totally sucks to be the black chick right now.

If Grievous had a mouth, his bottom teeth would be out front and flaring like a walrus' (XD ha!). But he does not, so that simile is not very good. Luckily, said bad simile is not needed any longer, for what with the random occurrence that had just transpired allowed the two to curiously walk in the direction that the girl had popped out of the sand in; west. There their ships were, just down a steep hill of sand.

Flying next to Bane was most certainly NOT how he wanted to spend the next, who knows how long, but Dooku had been quiet clear, and Grievous was not one to disobey Dooku. Besides, who knew, maybe he'd meet up with a Jedi and get a chance to kill one again.

While Grievous busies himself with fantasies of bloodying a battlefield with Jedi blood, Doctor and TODO were busy discussing things like, 'who had the worst boss' or 'who gets treated less fairly', and so on and so on. And also whose boss was the coolest. Their conversation went pretty much like so:

"Well oh my. You must have it rough!" TODO exclaimed.

"That would be a way of looking at it. But he really isn't all that dangerous to me since I am the one that fixes him every time he meets a Jedi."

TODO looked happy and surprised! This mechanic droid was amazing! For TODO had seen how Grievous had treated him upon his return. Though, Bane was kind of like that as well. But that way of thinking was much too selfish for TODO. He was a good tech droid!

As the two robots talked away about whatever, Grievous and Bane were conversing over what they were to do. Since Dooku had made it quite clear that Grievous was not to harm Bane in anyway, he was stuck following him around. For if he disobeyed Dooku he may not get the chance to kill any Jedi! That was more depressing than a fanfic that hasn't updated in five months.

So as Grievous and Bane continued their discussion that is probably plot worthy of being described, TODO noticed that they were heading to Mustafar; a very hot lava planet that Grievous should probably not go down to. So he stayed in space while Bane flew the rest of the way though the atmosphere.

Below space and on the surface of the planet, Bane's head has heating up fast. He should take his hat off, since heat expels from the head quicker, but he's a badass cowboy/man and he doesn't take off his hat-even if it is baking him from the inside.

But Bane is a manly cowboy, as stated. He just walks in long strides on the metal platform and bridges looking for some suspended lava. This Dooku character said that it was going to be somewhere in a southern area of the planet, and Grievous and himself had checked the place with Google maps to see where he would be going. Too bad they hadn't gotten anymore direction before the small blue hologram had left.

Bane had thought about dragging Grievous with him down to the planet, but there were liabilities that the cyborg robot couldn't quite handle, so he is on his own. Plus Grievous was getting threatening so it was best to keep his head.

But back to the mission! So Bane goes down corridors and halls, bridges and steam lines. All 'till he gets to another empty room where he has finally found what he's looking for. There on the other side of a gaping whole where if he miss-stepped on the jump he would fall to his very hot and lava filled death is his goal.

And now Bane stands like a true cowboy waiting for the noon hand to strike. For his enemy to come out onto the dirty sand street, empty except for everyone hiding in barrels and behind doors and windows. He stretches and bends his fingers, ready to grab his gun but in this case preparing to get a running start in just a second. Stepping back some steps, he bends down ready to thrust his body. Luckily Grievous doesn't have to deal with this drama. He has triple jointed hinges in his "knees".

Bane runs and jumps. He's flying through the hot air and he's just too bad ass to do the whole waving legs thing so his legs are spread apart since that's how you jump in the beginning. But he brings his back leg up to his other and he lands epically on the other side of the hole.

It was an intense moment of only a few seconds, but man, it just ebbed up his coolness. Not as much as Grievous' cape wearing, but still. Now that the vile of Lava was in his possession, he called up to Grievous to ask if he was still in the same space he had left him in.

The noises the holographic communicator in Grievous ship go unnoticed. Why? Because he was busy beating Doctor, that's why! Why again is he beating Doctor? Now that is a question best summed in a flash back.

_Grievous hates being alone with the droids; they make him so angry! Especially his Doctor; the idiot always talks back to him and he just can't STAND it!_

_Doctor and TODO would never SHUT UP. They just went on and on about the stupidest things that he, General Grievous, would never care about ever. Even after he'd threatened to destroy them right there and now they still had the gall to continue with their mindless chatter._

_Getting more annoyed by the second-since he's that kind of person-Grievous tightened his grip on the 'wheel' of his cruiser. It was looking like it would brake if he put any more tension on it. But alas, he came up with a plan just before that._

_TODO and Doctor continued their chatter while Grievous was trying to locate Bane on Mustafar. It was proving much more difficult than he'd thought. There was no way in any hell that Grievous would stoop low enough to ask Doctor for ANY help. That was demeaning in many more ways than one._

_But anyways, Grievous turned around in his seat fast. He looked Doctor straight in the robot droid face daring him to say ANYTHING hint, he does dare:_

"_Yes?"_

_Oh the sarcasm. How it grated at Grievous' sensors. D_

"_You," Grievous turned to point at TODO._

"_Me?" TODO was worried now. The many stories he and Doctor shared went right into his memory banks and he was very scared right now. Maybe he'd piss his pants if he wasn't a little techno-service droid. Or a droid at all, har._

_Anyways, Grievous pointed at TODO and TODO got scared, asking with a quivering 'voice', "Y-yes?"_

"_What are we going for next."_

"_Uh-uumm" TODO starts looking through his drive to find out but it is taking much too long for Grievous and he's getting impatient at TODO's "um, just give me a moment please. Uuuh, it should be around here somewhere"_

"_I believe it was somewhere in your project folders."_

"_Ah, yes," TODO finds it 8D Thanks to Doctor's help. "Here it is. We are to go find the meat of a…"_

"_WHAT!" This dramatic pause is not very dramatic nor useful to Grievous; why he screamed._

"_We are to find a Killer Penguin of Polur."_

"_Kill it?"_

"_It doesn't say…"_

_Grievous doesn't reply._

"_I suggest not killing it master."_

"_Why not?"_

"_What if he wants it alive? It doesn't sound like these Killer Penguins are very unique."_

_Grievous doesn't say anything to him either._

_And everyone on Grievous' ship gets really quite. Very quite. But this is space, so it was already more silent than the creepy old abandoned house on the hill or something. That is, until the beeping of the (*cough*banana phone*cough*) holo-transmitter came on._

"_Are you going to get that?" Doctor said after the second round of beeps._

"What in Tarnation is going on?"

Bane must have called at a bad time. Ha! Yeah right, he was in a sticky situation himself right now.

"What is it," Grievous sounded pissed. The regular pissed, not the 'I'm going to tear out your soul and eat it with my non mouth' pissed.

"Where are you at? We need to get out of here."

"The same place you left me in you idiot! Hurry it up and get over here!"

_Chzzz_

The transmitter went out.

Bane grumbled some unintelligible cowboy saying as he stared at the big hole that was now even bigger.

"Fuck."


End file.
